Birthing Class Number 1: Happy Uterus

Hightlights - Birthing Class #1

About two minutes into the class, the instructor asks for two male volunteers to come up to the front. Traci tries to jab me into volunteering - uh, I don't think so. Two suckers, however, do raise their hands. The lady gives each of them a marker and sends them to the white board.

"Okay," she says. "We're going to play Pictionary." I know this isn't going to be good. The men take their positions at the whiteboard. "Alright, on the count of three I want each of you to draw a uterus. One, two, three!"

Both men have the identical blank stare on their faces. After a few "uhs" and "ohs" they each make their attempt. The first guy draws a random pattern that's not really a circle and not really a square. The second guy starts with a circle, then adds two dots and a curve. That's right, a smiley face. Or as I like to call it, a happy uterus.

Axl Rose Named Coolest Old Person In Teen Mag Poll — Right After 'Grandparents'

Even with those stupid braids - the teens still love Axl Rose. But they also love Clint Eastwood, Elvis Costello and Mick Jagger. What's wrong with these stupid kids?

Read the story here.

Death Cab For Cutie Squash the Beef

First off, I apologize that all of my posts have been hopelessly outdated lately. That said, some news from a couple of weeks ago:

X96 got their little feelings hurt the other day when Death Cab came to town. The station started promoting an in-studio performance at AirWaves by the band and they were going to invite fans to come down and see it. I found this to be a bit strange because I have never heard a Death Cab song on X96.

You're a Boner!

Then all of the sudden I started hearing commercials on The End advertising a performance in their studio. Hmm, both stations? What's up with that? Apparently, Death Cab ditched their X96 to play at The End. X96 was so mad that they nominated DCFC to be "the boner of the week:"

"Death Cab For Cutie": The band "Death Cab For Cuties" was supposed to come into Airwaves to play a song or two for some X96 fans. When they arrived, they decided that they didn't want any of the fans there. When asked if they could play in a studio with a window, they refused. When asked if they could play in a studio without any windows, they refused. Finally they decided that they just weren't going to play, but told Todd Nukem to lie to the fans and tell them that one of the band members wasn't feeling well. Apparently realizing their mistake, they visited another radio station and played for a live audience.

No, You're the Boner!

DCFC guitarist Chris Walla [in picture, left of guy with ugly hair] didn't think that X96 was telling the whole story. Here's what he posted to X96's website:

This is Chris from Death Cab for Cutie. I don't particularly want to argue or be a very large part of this conversation, but clearly we've done some irreparable damage to our relationship with KXRK, and with a few of our fans, and some statement should be made on our behalf. I always prefer that such statements are personal, and not handed down from management or wherever, so here it is.

It's important to note that, since our first show in November of 1997, we have canceled exactly three scheduled engagements. One was in 1999 when Ben was violently ill with heat stroke in Austin. Another was in Houston last year when the electricity went out at the venue, and the roof was leaking onto the stage. The third cancelation was last week, at KXRK in Salt Lake City.

It's simply not in our nature to walk out on an obligation without reason - this should be obvious from our track record. We love performing, we enjoy talking with our fans, and we still freak out when we get to meet our favorite bands.

There are a few realities, as a successful-bordering-on-famous band, that we're having to learn. We've always prided ourselves on our approachability, but as the lights get brighter it becomes more difficult, and more uncomfortable, to negotiate uncontrolled situations. We've gotten stuck a few times now doing promotional things that went haywire; appearances that have gotten uncomfortable or even ugly.

The point of all this is that we'll do just about anything if we have all the information, if we know what we're getting ourselves into. We, by way of management and our label, agreed to a live, in-studio performance at KXRK. We did not agree to put on a show in the lobby of an office building. Those two things are not the same. The station told all its listeners, all of you, to come see a performance that we neither agreed to nor were we ready for. I apologize to anyone who made the trek to the station to see us play, and was disappointed by our no show. You were given false information. And really, all the station had to do to make it seamless was to let us know the score - we'd have brought different instruments; our engineer would have come along; we would have brought the silver Sharpies to sign our black record for you; I'd have made a concerted effort to brush my teeth. And most importantly, we'd have known we were going to meet you. It's like when your roommate throws a party when you thought it was going to be a nice, quiet evening at home. We simply weren't prepared.

By contrast, our engagement at the other station in town was spotless. They were clear, detailed and professional in their communication with us, and we knew exactly what to expect. It wasn't a public performance; there was no PA, and therefore, no need to have our engineer along.

Whatever you end up thinking about us as a result of all this is ultimately alright (actually, I encourage the homophobes to stay away, please). Just know - this goes for Todd Newcomb, as well as all the fans - that, in the course of nearly six hundred shows, a hundred radio performances and fifteen van tours, we've only bailed two other times: Once for illness and once for a power outage. Doesn't that imply that something actually went wrong?

Well, whoever was at fault, both parties have now kissed up made up. X96 did an on-air interview with Chris Walla and Radio From Hell team even rescinded their boner nomination. How sweet. For being the bad guys, I think DCFC ended up winning the celebrity battle, since now X96 is actually playing their music.

R.I.P. Organ 2004 - 2005

It's official. I have traded in my organ to make room for a baby crib. What is this world coming to? For those of you out there who have always been jealous of my super rad organ, if you act fast you can probably still buy it from the Deseret Industries on 4500 South. Parenthood is imminent.

The Donster vs. Ryan Seacrest

I had a very interesting dream last night. I was walking down through a street of dilapidated boardwalk-style shops with a friend of mine. He leaned over and said something to me about how my dad was a ways behind us. I said, “It’s all good. My dad’s cool. He’s got Ryan Seacrest with him.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later my dad and American Idol host Ryan Seacrest caught up with us. “Hello Ryan,” I said.

People tease Ryan Seacrest for being all straightening iron and no brains, and his response proved it, “Seacrest Out.” What? I thought. Isn’t that what he says at the end of American Idol, you know, the end?

I woke up right after talking to him and immediately thought to myself, I need to blog this. What is wrong with me?

Haunted by a Scary, Dead Japanese Boy

To celebrate the month of Halloween, we got together with our homeys the Bawdens last weekend. We carved pumpkins and watched “The Grudge.” For those of you who have not seen the movie, here is the plot:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is working in Japan as a nanny for the elderly. She goes to a house that is haunted by the ghost of an (un)dead little Japanese boy and his mom. For some reason they want to kill everyone who goes into the house. The plot doesn’t really make any sense at all, and all I could figure out was that all of the killing is preceded by a gurgling sound. If there’s gurgling, crazy stuff is going to go down. Luckily Buffy doesn’t die, so there can be a sequel.

Anyway, we go home and I wake up in the middle of the night. Traci is pregnant and can only get comfortable if she is sleeping on the couch. I’m all alone in the bedroom and I hear the gurgling. I look around. Is that dead Japanese kid in here? I don’t see him, so I guess he’s hiding under the bed. Why does the dead Japanese kid want to kill me? I ask myself. I can’t think of any valid reason, but I can still him gurgling. I listen more carefully. It’s close to the bed. Maybe it’s in the bed. I lean forward and it gets louder – as if it’s coming from my own stomach. I get up, get something to eat and the gurgling mysteriously stops. The kid doesn’t bother me for the rest of the night.

But I Love 'The Chuck'

My dad has really stepped up his post-Priesthood Session game. Back in the day, I remember being treated to a shake at the Iceberg or Take 5. I don’t know what inspired the change, but the last few years we have started going to the Chuck-a-Rama after Conference.

I have previously expressed my love for The Chuck (I will soon be starring in a commercial called “But I Love ‘Chuck’”), but the Donster (previously My Dad vs. Email) upped his game again last weekend by taking my bro-in-law John and I to the Golden Corral.

Now, I’d never been to the Golden Corral before. Apparently, a requirement to be a successful buffet restaurant is to have an utterly unappealing name. Having just been at a corral at my grandpa’s ranch earlier that day, the idea of eating at a “Golden Corral” didn’t really seem appealing. Oh, but I was wrong. Very Swanky.

For you classy folk who are out on the buffet scene, here’s my comparison of The Chuck and the GC:

Beverages – The Chuck wins, hands down. Not only does the Chuck have a big ol’ selection including chocolate milk, exotic fruit drinks, and fake slurpees, but it is also self-serve. At the GC, you have to wait for the server to refill your drink with one of four boring flavors. However, the server does bring dinner rolls right to your table.

Meat – At the Chuck you get a choice of ham or roast beef. What else is there? I didn’t think there was anything else until I visited the GC. They’ll cook up some sirloin steak right there for you. I’ll take my steak medium-well, thanks! I also had some killer bourbon chicken.

Dessert-I was too full to eat dessert at the GC, after all of the steak and Brussel sprouts (that's right, Brussel sprouts!), but I’ll say this about the Chuck - any restaurant that serves Jell-O is okay by me.

Atmosphere – GC has better lighting and easier to get around. You don’t have to knock over 30 people to get from the salad to the soup like at the Chuck. The GC just feels classier.

Overall - The GC might be a bit nicer, but come on, we're talking about the Chuck here. How can you not love the Chuck?