Now 50% Less Wise!

Would you pay a guy $50 to punch you repeatedly in the jaw? Well, I did. I spent two hours on Friday having my face pulverized by Mark Arroyo, DDS. By the time Traci rescued me from my mugging, half of my face was swollen and I had blood all over my chin. Oh, but having two of wisdom teeth pulled out wasn't all bad.

Dr. Arroyo's office has TVs on the ceiling so you have something to distract you from the strangers who have their hands in your mouth. I watched six Taking Back Sunday videos on Fuse (who knew TBS even had six videos?), a preview of the weekend's matchups on the NFL network, and about 30 seconds of "Paris Hilton's 50 Most Outrageous Moments" on VH1. So other than teeth being stolen from my mouth, it wasn't a bad way to spend a few hours. I also got to suck down enough nitrous oxide to feel like my body was spinning inside out, which was alright as well.

Things I learned while in a druggy haze:

1. I can still think in Dutch while under the influence of Nitrous Oxide. About an hour into the ordeal, I suddenly found it absolutely and instantly necessary to find out if I could still think in Dutch. I could. Gelukkig maar.

2. There is no way to communicate with a swollen tongue and not feel like an idiot.

3. When you are the last appointment of the day on a Friday afternoon, no one in the dentist's office feels obliged to wash the blood off your face or even tell you that you have blood all over your face.

4. My Chemical Romance (whose video I saw twice while I was there) - even under the influence of chemicals - is the epitome of everything that sucks about fashion, film and modern music.

After we came home, Traci made me lots of wonderful jello and mashed potatoes and chocolate milk. I have a good wife.