Desperately Seeking MC Hammer

1990. It was the best Christmas ever, probably. I was given my two first cassette tapes, “Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em” and “To the Extreme.” By this point, I already owned several pair of Hammer pants and had bleached my bangs just like Vanilla Ice. (If memory serves me, I think I shaved lines in my eyebrow as well. Yes, I was dope. I would later wear my pants backwards and braid my hair a la Kris Kross.)

2009. McHammer and Vanilla Ice will set aside their television ministry and celebreality, respectively, for one night to perform at Utah Valley University. Will I be there? Oh, most definitely.

While this alone would be enough to fulfill a number of boyhood dreams, I’m not stopping there. For the past three days I have been trying to track down Stanley Burrell himself to do an interview for IN.

It hasn’t been easy. Mr. Hammer doesn’t even have a website—just a Twitter account. I’ve been sending emails to any lead I can find, but so far, no luck. There was one promising occurrence this morning when Modern Media Partners told me they had forwarded my message to him. Will he respond? Please Hammer, don’t let me down.